Normalish

Apparently my trips to deuce-ldorf are much easier than most people. I rarely spend more than a few minutes taking these trips. In comparison there are a number of people on the floor of my office building who have a difficult time checking their luggage.

There is this one guy who really sticks out though. He is The Angry Pooper. He unabashedly strains, grunts, and practically cries while stowing his carry-on. He must have a medical condition. I don’t necessarily mean that he has a condition which makes him do that, but more likely, he has created a medical issue from the violent encounters.

Oh, and it isn’t like I sneak into the bathroom either. So we also need to consider the fact that he knows someone is in there listening to him go to town.

I just don’t get it.

My wife recently had a couch delivered. Just as the truck was pulling up she asked my if she thought she needed to tip the delivery people. She thought that they were actual employees of the furniture company (as opposed to a 3rd-party carrier) and this made me err on the side of not tipping them. If they furniture doesn’t pay them enough, that isn’t our fault. It isn’t a profession like waiting tables where peope are actually paid less than minimum wage and truly rely on tips to make a living.

So, one of the guys comes to the door to ask that this is the correct house and where should they put the couch. We show them where we want it, and he leaves his clipboard on a chair of ours before going back outside to get the couch.

On his clipboard, clipped right at the top, were a stack of bills. This guy was blatantly trying to persuade us, even guilt us, into give them a tip. In fact, when you go to sign for the delivery, there are the stack of bills staring you in the face.

Not to mention, during the entire process I thought the guys were a little shady, and sort of playing up how heavy the couch was and what an inconvenience it was for them to move the couch 90 degrees.

My wife felt the same way, but there was a brief moment as they left when I saw her begin to reach into her pocket to pull out some cash. I was behind her, shaking my head wildly… “No, don’t do it!”

Luckily she didn’t. From the moment I saw the bills it was a lock - no tip for you smart guy.

He was likely to get one if he had just been genuine, nice, and didn’t front with that cash on his clipboard. When will people learn?

You are a guy. You are in a public restroom. You are alone. You’re standing at a urinal (one of the worst words in the world, btw) taking care of business. Before you are finished, you get an inkling that the urinal just isn’t going to cut it for this visit. You need to upgrade to a stall. I believe there are only 3 reasonable moves here:

• “The Conservative” - Finish, repackage, move.
• “The Liberal” - Finish, no repackaging, move.
• “The Independent” - Pause, no repackaging, move.

Of course, certain situations might call for you to immediately divorce your current party affiliation and become and independent. Or, in even more dire circumstances I suppose a “libertarian” (no pause, no repackaging, no moving) might be in order but that seems highly unlikely - although I have to admit I actually saw my young cousin throw down a “libertarian” once right before my very own eyes.

Anyway, forgetting about those special cases, what political affiliation are you?

I’m typically “liberal,” but have gone “independent” on occasion.

So this guy always manages to sit really close to me no matter how many other people are on the bus. Even if it is empty, he will sit a maximum of 2 seats away from me. I still haven’t been able to figure out exactly what his deal is. Freak.

Do you know that feeling you get when you are stuck in traffic? How about when you are sitting on a crappy bus, with some whore yelling on her cell phone, and the bus is in some of the most redunk, unexplained traffic ever.
Oh my god, her laugh. I thought her voice was annoying, and what she was talking about was annoying. But I am now listening to her laugh and I want to skull mace (google it) her.

And I just know that someone is going to try and sit next to me.

I may have to pull - jesus christ, she hung up and I thought it was over, but she immediately called someone else. I am going to glare at her, and see if it has any effect…

Not that I can tell. oh, she hung up! Probably just a coincidence, but still.

Anyway, in order to avoid - dammit. I was just going to explain my new technique for keeping people from sitting next to you (pretend you are asleep and take up just enough room that the person would have to ask you to move in order for them to sit) when we came to a stop and someone got on. I employed the new scheme, but it failed. To my suprise the person is now sitting with only half their butt on the seat.

Now they are extra bitter because I sprang to life and started typing on my phone.
Anyway, I had a bad day, and experiencing this horrible bus ride is just icing on the cake.

Kill me.

For those of you who are too young (jeez - that is the first time I have ever said that and I don’t like it at all) the title of this post is from the classic Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd movie “Trading Places.”

A recent article about Body Identity Integrity Disorder has been making the rounds on a few sites as of late. I had heard about this disorder a few times in the past, but it seems this may be the first time it is getting some major attention.

Those with BIID feel as though their “true” body is missing limbs. This is somewhat analogous with those who have been born one gender but feel as though they are truly the other gender. Much like those with Gender identity disorder, BIID sufferers often attempt to undergo surgery to get the intended effect. That’s right, they have surgery (or use some other means) to amputate perfectly good limbs.

My first thought, of course, is WTF? There are a lot of crazy mental disorders but this one is particularly hard to understand. And while this disorder is so difficult to understand it brought about a deeper question. How is it that a large number of people can all have the same strange problem? In other words, it would almost be easier to understand if one weird guy had this problem, but how do many people have this same, specific, unusual problem?

We all have them. Often they are with lovers or family members. Mine is with food. I am constantly surprised that I don’t weigh 600lbs. I am overweight, for sure, but probably by only about 20-25lbs at most.

Sometimes, I do something in particular that really reminds me of this unhealthy relationship. The other night my wife made a batch of pumpkin cheesecake bars. After she was done making them she said, “I wonder if I should take these into work, or leave them here for us to eat.”

Well, I certainly knew which I wanted. I asked, “What was your plan?”

“To take them to work,” she replied.

“Well, I’ll give you 50 bucks for the whole batch.”

“How about $20 for half,” she countered.

Deal.

Often, I drink Vitamin Water with my lunch. And while the bottle does not indicate that any shaking is needed prior to consumption, I always shake it. Not sure why, but my intent behind the shaking is not of import.

Every time I enjoy a Vitamin Water with my lunch, I first pull it from a bag and set it on my desk.  Then, just before I drink it, I shake it, twist off the cap, and down it goes.

I have done this many, many times - always the same way.

For some reason, the other day, I took the cap off as soon as I took it out of the bag, but before I shook it. I then started to eat my lunch. About halfway through, I decided I needed a little something to wash down my food.  Remembering that I had not yet shaken my drink, but forgetting that I had already taken off the cap, I picked up the bottle and with wild abandon proceeded to shake it violently up and down. Thus, I threw Vitamin Water all over my self and my entire office.

I couldn’t have done a better job if I had tried.

You may have been expecting a story about an unbridled midday romp, but alas I am talking about television.

I watch Mtv’s The Real World. The other day around 4:40 I flipped to Mtv and there was The Real World. I quickly realized that this was new content, but I know the show is on at 10pm.  In the upper corner of the screen was a graphic that read “Afternoon Sneak.”

I then assumed that this was just a few minutes worth of the new episode as a teaser.  I kept watching, and it continued to play for the next 20 minutes. Turns out that this was the entire “new” episode, played at 4:30. This was no “sneak,” it was the actual new episode.

Don’t you think that the very first airing of a show should be considered “when it is on.” How can Mtv say that The Real World is on at 10pm, when it actually comes on first at 4:30pm.

A somewhat related TV phenomenon is the multi-episode premiere.  How does that work? A premiere is a one-time thing.  I have seen a two-night premiere - can you have a three-night premiere , a four-nighter?

I know this is a tiny point to make, but it really drives me crazy when marketers come up with this ridiculous stuff just to make things sound better.

So this is a bit late, but I need to know the answer for the future. I had no idea about the rivalry between Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays when wishing someone December related holiday cheer. I have found, that when you talk to some people they are as sensitive to it as if you were criticizing something near and dear to their hearts. So what is the answer? People who are Catholic and celebrate Christmas feel, for the most part, that it should Merry Christmas. However, those that celebrate other December Holidays (Hanukah, Kwanza, etc.), think Happy Holidays is the answer. At least that is how I draw the battle lines on this hotly contested saying. The weird thing is, does it really matter which you say, aren’t both suppose to be a person’s way of spreading good will. Instead if someone says Happy Holidays to someone who demands Merry Christmas, it has the opposite effect. I guess from now on instead of being nice and saying Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, I will just say piss off!!!